Stick A Fork In Me--I'm Done.

[insert exasperated sigh here.]

Twenty-six months ago, the process of “divorcing” my common-law husband began. The end of my 13-year relationship only slightly preceded my dad’s surprising stage 4 cancer diagnosis, then swift passing. I walked into my lawyer’s office, two months after my dad and cat died (within 3 weeks of each other), reeling from the trauma of his illness (and my former relationship) plus the immeasurable grief I was experiencing.

My ex and I had been broken up for 14 months at that point, and I was under the impression this would be a straightforward process. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

Twenty-six months and counting.

Stress hardly feels adequate, honestly. I couldn’t tell you how many nights of sleep I’ve lost, how corroded my esophagus is from acid reflux, or how many shopping bags of hair I’ve garbaged. Yes. You read that right. Shopping bags of hair that has fallen from my head. If you’ve ever wondered how Sméagol turned into Gollum… wonder no more, friend—I am well on my way, allow me to demonstrate.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So, this morning, after my umpteenth day in a row of waking up between 1 am and 3 am, feeling like I should be able to breathe fire with every panicked breath, I sat down with my tarot deck to ask what the fuck my stress wants from me.

Here is its answer:

The 10 of Swords. My stress wants the 10 of Swords. It wants to be put to rest.

If you’re unfamiliar with tarot, the 10 of Swords speaks of endings (often painful), betrayal, and loss. It’s also overkill, in my opinion. Does it take ten swords to kill a man? (Perhaps, if they’re Rasputin.) The point is, this card is saying something is dead, done and over with. Every time I see it, I think, stick a fork in me—I’m done.

I was surprised by this answer. Surely my stress would want the Knight of Swords or Wands, urging me forth into battle once more. To try to gain some semblance of control. But right now, it's saying: I’m just as sick of this as you are. Let’s take a break.

The fact is: no amount of worry will suddenly get this resolved. Worrying won’t stop them dicking around. Stressing doesn’t do anything except rob me of whatever moments of joy present themself. I’m so worried about a tomorrow that may never even come.

But, the 10 of Swords is also a reminder that everything must end. That this too shall pass.